SPN 4.19; or, oh goodness

[aesc]

I feel rather... adrift when it comes to this episode. On one hand, it's a great way to call up and then put to rest the pernicious "third Winchester brother" rumor, considering the cremation at the end, and in that sense, I really did like the episode title. Jump the shark indeed, heh.

What does anchor me, though, is how Dean's self-identity has, more or less, been unraveling throughout the season; I think the funeral scene is the latest step on a slow process that had been set in motion way back in 2.01, something that's been accelerating throughout this season. John's been taken down off the pedestal Dean had him on for 27+ years of his life; as Dean says to Sam, his attempts to become his dad have failed, car and clothes and music notwithstanding. That heritage belongs to Sam--look at the way he takes "Adam" and starts not only teaching him, but trying to immerse him in hunter culture and behaviors; for Dean, that's not an unqualifiedly good thing anymore, it's problematic, it's something he doesn't want for Adam because he doesn't want it anymore and maybe never would have wanted. This seems like something we can see, that Sam is, not-so-far underneath, more like John than Dean is, but Dean is only now coming to that realization, and it fucking tore my heart out that Dean's pretty much losing everything: Sam, his certainty, his endurance, his strength, his sense of who he is. He's already lost most of his uncritical love John, but I think this episode drove one more nail into that coffin.

So, when it comes down to it, I loved this episode for Dean, although it's probably "loved" in the sense of "I would not wish this sort of thing on my worst enemy, it's that heart-wrenching." I'm still struggling with my reaction to "nice, John, sleep around" and "nice, John, treat Dean like shit and take Adam to a fucking baseball game, that's classy" because, I mean, Dean's face. And just the thought of a third Winchester brother being out there... I'm not quite sure what to make of that. Also, he just looks incredibly twerpy to me, I don't know.


Now, as to next week:

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD EXCUSE ME WHILE I LOSE MY SHIT.