aesc | .spn 4.22; or, "hold me"

YES YES YES YES YES OH MY GOD CASTI-FUCKING-EL.

You may gather from this that I am a total Cas fangirl. You would be right. I mean, did you fucking see him banish Zachariah's ass? I CALLED IT AND DUDE, DOES CAS FUCKING KNOW HIS SPELLWORK OR WHAT? I love the progression that we get in his character, from obedient but clearly conflicted throughout (and so much so in 4.21) to that final moment when he throws in his chips with Dean, because Dean's right about all of this, that "Paradise" isn't Paradise anymore, not for Dean and not for people who recognize the necessity of pain and imperfection in the human experience. Someone once said that pain makes laughter possible, and that the gods don't know joy because they don't know death and loss. For that matter, the angels really don't know what constitutes paradise for some people, that it isn't forgetting, and it isn't carnal delight (never-ending pie and sex with hot girls), but something else, something that paradoxically allows the persistence of memory (no matter how sad) and the persistence of togetherness, of family and friends. And that's Dean right there. I think, between himself and Sam, he's the most human--not in terms of who has the least amount of demon blood, but in terms of someone who recognizes the huge, fucking awful random mess of this world and our utter need to live in it, because it offers those connections.

Sam, oh my god, seriously, Sam. This show has the most terrible, confusing messages about individuality and destiny and will, and I'm in no shape to handle them right now. I tend to think of Dean in the collective (he defines himself by other people, even people he doesn't know), but Sam defines himself against everyone--and in the end, his revenge, who he is and who he makes himself to be, drives the destiny shaped for him by Ruby (and who didn't see that coming? *looks around expectantly*), Azazel, and Lilith. As Ruby says, it had to be Sam, no one else (with the possible exception of John) would be that determined to satisfy his own drives and get what he wants. And finally, inevitably, we still have to circle around the question of destiny: Dean and Cas break the pattern, they show up when Chuck says they absolutely shouldn't, they start their own story... but Lucifer still breaks free, like Lilith and Zachariah et al. wanted. Sam played his part, Dean has yet to play his, it seems, a role that is now more or less inevitable, however much Dean doesn't want it. Still, I'm happy that Sam went into the whole thing conflicted, that he's not changed as irrevocably as he thought. And at the end, with the two of them together... I think that sets us up not for an S5 with the two of them fighting each other, or Dean/Heaven v. Sam/Hell, but the two of them fighting together against a whole fucking lot of shit.

Returning *cough* to Dean and Cas... seriously, could Castiel be any more in love with him? "We have been through much together," Cas tells him, but is so on the fence and he needs Dean's words to knock him off. I actually MISSED THAT PART WTF because my roommate chose that moment to walk in and the dogs went nuts. Am I pissed? Yes. Will I rewatch that scene endlessly, picking it apart for nuance? Why, yes. Yes, I will. Why do you ask such things? And that look Dean gave him when he told Chuck, "yeah, well, we're making it up as we go," like Cas has finally realized he and his loyalty--his belief in God, and even (faltering as it is, what happened to 4.07, Kripke?) his belief in the goodness of God's creation--have been used to yank him around, to destroy what he was sworn to protect... That, my friends, was awesome, Dean realizing that finally he has a committed ally. And did you see him getting ready to hold off a fucking archangel? I MEAN, DID YOU? COME ON, HOW IS THAT NOT LOVE?

Recap: Ultimately, a lot of this episode played out as I thought it would: Sam kills Lilith, the final seal breaks, Ruby turns out to be EVOL, and Cas sides with Dean. It was mostly a question of how, and I'm pretty satisfied with the layout of the answer.

Now, the final and most pertinent question: HOW THE FUCK WILL I SURVIVE THIS SUMMER??????

I need something to drink. Then a cigarette and a shower.

*collapses*

I reserve the right to come back with more thoughts and squee, as energy and coherence dictate.

.spn 4.22; or, "hold me"

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