.wtf? no, seriously, W.T.Fing F?

[aesc]

Oh my God. I went to see the new Beowulf movie last night, and it was...


Wow. There are no words. It's even worse than the Canada/Iceland Beowulf and Grendel from a few years ago, which came very close to being unmitigatedly horrible but at least had great lines like "Who cares why a fucking troll does what a fucking troll does?"

The pain was nearly flawless. The new kind of CGI animation is vertigo-inducing (am I looking at real people? oh, no! Cartoon! And Robin Wright Penn's face is weirdly bloated!), Angelina Jolie and her golden, nipple-less breasts (WRONG WRONG WRONG, and her Russian-accent-inflected quasi-Old English), the rampant and rampantly awful Freudian imagery (hero, sword drawn and erect, walking into the cleft of the mountain), Beowulf's compulsive nudity, Old English rap (just because it's rhythmical poetry does not mean people played drums as accompaniment!), brutal raping of the plot and characters... I didn't think Neil Gaiman was capable of such a thing, but apparently he is, because OH MY GOD the atrocious suckiness of this movie begs, buggers, and is incapable of description.

I came very close to going upstairs and barfing on the projector and then burning it, but the people I was with (all fellow specialists) convinced me it would be more fun to stay and insult it. It was the weird kind of fun where you're laughing and insulting something (and there was SO MUCH in there that was funny in a horrifying way) because the alternative is to become violent or ill, or violently ill.

Also, people? For those of you thinking about writing the fourth Beowulf screen adaptation, please to remember that Hrothgar is not a.) an alcoholic, b.) senile, c.) afflicted with Tourette's, or d.) all of the above. He doesn't wear a toga, formal gift-giving does not involve the random flinging of coins, and twelfth-century stone castles do NOT belong in 507AD Denmark. Neither does Christianity. Also, just because they're northern Germanic women doesn't mean they're whores.

Oh, and there was a teenaged boy in the audience with a copy of Seamus Heaney's translation. If he was reading it for its own sake, yay for him. (Though I have issues with Heaney's translation, it does have the merit of being the most readable and interesting yet produced.) If he was reading it for Angelina Jolie, poor boy, the disappointment he must endure.

That isn't remotely all, but I should stop now.

Now, I'm tired, a bit hung over from all the wine I had to drink to cope with this monstrosity, I have to rake today, go to the library, and find some way to deal with people whose disorganization is visiting havoc upon my life. I am disposed to be cranky and hostile today.

In other, much happier news: Awesomest of awesome birthdays to mrsdtaylor! May you have a gift-wrapped Enrique on your front step today *snuffles you*

Comments

[beadattitude.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetheart. This is like the pre-internet rant I had when "Bram Stoker's Dracula" came out with Wynona Rider, et al. OMG. THE PAIN. I nearly rioted in the theatre.

I saw the trailer for Beowulf and wondered what they did to poor Robin's nose. Possibly it was swollen from beating her head against the wall.

So, there's another bit of Competition is Healthy and there will be more UST later this morning. ::pets you gently::

It'll be all right. Itll be o-kay. ::pets pets::

[aesc.livejournal.com]

*snuffles unhappily and clings* It was very traumatic, Bead.

[cara-chapel.livejournal.com]

I would like very much to quote you to my Brit Lit I class, which has asked me for a formal opinion on the movie: "I came very close to wanting to go upstairs and barf on the projector and then burn it." ROFLMAO!

[aesc.livejournal.com]

Heh heh. I have since changed the wording to indicate that I did in fact very much want to go upstairs, barf on the projector, and then burn it :D Really, it about sums up how I feel.

[twincy.livejournal.com]

*cannot stop laughing*

I am so citing this post the next time the boyfriend nags me about going to see this film. *g*

[aesc.livejournal.com]

Believe me, if your boyfriend drags you to see it, he will owe you FOREVER. Come to think of it, it's a debt that could never possibly be discharged, at least from my point of view.

[summertea.livejournal.com]

auuuuuuuuuuuugh the movie. i might not be a huge fan of english lit (SORRY, I AM UNAPPRECIATIVE :XXXXXX), but oh my gawwwwd. just the commercial is so terrible. D:

[aesc.livejournal.com]

I think it really just is a bad movie! Granted, I'm hardly speaking from a position of neutrality, but still, doing things like having your hero walk into the cave through the cleft in the rock while brandishing his sword is 1) not subtle, and 2) is overdone. Especially when he does it ten times.

[raletha.livejournal.com]

Also, people? For those of you thinking about writing the fourth Beowulf screen adaptation, please to remember that Hrothgar is not a.) an alcoholic, b.) senile, c.) afflicted with Tourette's, or d.) all of the above. He doesn't wear a toga, formal gift-giving does not involve the random flinging of coins, and twelfth-century stone castles do NOT belong in 507AD Denmark. Neither does Christianity. Also, just because they're northern Germanic women doesn't mean they're whores.

Oh, god. Really? This is how it's been done?

*headdesk* It makes me feel physical pain. You are braver than I am. I have not gone to see any of the movie adaptations of Beowulf, for they have all looked godawful. The only very vague exception would be The Thirteenth Warrior, which isn't an adaptation at all, but has many narrative references.

[aesc.livejournal.com]

Oh, god. Really? This is how it's been done?

Yes, yes it is. The first time you see Hrothgar, he's tottering around in a bedsheet and threatening to molest his wife in public. And all the women are of the Busty Tavern Wench variety.

To illustrate, here is an exchange between one of the Geatish warriors and a BTW, while they are outside and he's trying to feel her up:

[a howl can be heard in the distance]
Geat [pausing a moment]: Grendel's coming!
BTW: That's a wolf. You never hear Grendel when he comes.
Geat: Well, baby, you'll hear me coming!

SERIOUSLY THEY SAY THIS.

The only very vague exception would be The Thirteenth Warrior, which isn't an adaptation at all, but has many narrative references.

A very vague exception, yes. Also, it at least has Antonio Banderas, whom I like to look at. But really, that's about it.

[slian-martreb.livejournal.com]

Oh, that makes me so sad! Gaiman's been linking to such NICE reviews from his blog.

*bemoans*

[aesc.livejournal.com]

*headshake* I am profoundly disappointed with him. When I'd heard he was connected with the project, I was all "Oh, finally, maybe something decent!" But now... no. Just NO BAD AND WRONG.

[toft-froggy.livejournal.com]

It sounds just as bad as I had feared it would be. Some people in the department are organizing some sort of medieval studies group trip to see it, but I think in the same way that you'd go to the scene of some atrocity to marvel at what humanity is capable of. I'm really disappointed in Neil Gaiman, I've got to say...

[aesc.livejournal.com]

I am hugely and horrendously disappointed in him. He's used a lot of material from the poem for some of his stories, and it seems like the least he owes the poem is to treat it with a modicum of respect.

Last week I read an interview with him in SciFi magazine, in which he makes a remark to the effect that the film is essentially "another way" the poem could have happened. Well, yeah. Chimpanzees can fly out of my butt at midnight on Sundays, but while we live in a world that allows for 1) chimpanzees, 2) my butt), and 3) things to come out of said butt, the constraints of physics will tend to preclude the convergence of these phenomena. Similarly, the constraints of narrative in the poem tend to preclude pretty much, oh, any interpretation Gaiman wants to offer.

[sloganeer.livejournal.com]

Every time I see the trailer on TV--every time--I ask why Angelina looks like Angelina, but Ray Winstone is suddenly tall and buff and blonde.

(Did you see the documentary about how awful it was to film Beowulf and Grendel? I enjoyed that SO much more than the film.)

[aesc.livejournal.com]

Apparently (and I did not realize this) the film was actually being done while she was pregnant, so Angelina's midsection is not Angelina's midsection.

(Did you see the documentary about how awful it was to film Beowulf and Grendel? I enjoyed that SO much more than the film.)

Mostly I remember the extras on the DVD, in which it was clear that absolutely none of the cast had read the poem. *siiiigh*

[gramarye1971]

What is it with Hollywood and brain-searingly horrible adaptations this year? *petpets gently*

[aesc.livejournal.com]

*siiiiiigh* I think some books/poems are doomed to have lousy adaptations, no matter what. Beowulf has had its third shot and still, it fails spectacularly. Grrr.

[aervir.livejournal.com]

The German news magazine SPIEGEL Online had a wonderful sporking of the film in their movie review section last week, and I was indeed thinking of you when I read it, and wondering whether you'd already seen this ... monstrosity. Alas, the review is in German, though, and I couldn't find an English equivalent in their international news section.

[aesc.livejournal.com]

Even if I can't read it (which I could, but it would take me possibly the rest of the day *g*), I love it! Go SPIEGEL.

[lillyjk.livejournal.com]

damn it, I actually was holding out hopes for this movie. glad I read your review, I'll definitely skip it

[aesc.livejournal.com]

It's pretty awful. Granted I know the poem really well, so it's hard for me to separate out the poem from the movie, but it really just seems like a bad movie, with or without the poem.

[lilithilien.livejournal.com]

This is what I was afraid of as soon as I saw the trailer. The horror!

[aesc.livejournal.com]

VERY GREAT HORROR. I just... no words! No words! Nothing can be said.

[ashkitty.livejournal.com]

Wow. And here I was thinking about seeing it, too. I mean, I don't ALWAYS mind reinterpretation of stories, and Neil Gaiman.

But. Yeah. *pets*

[aesc.livejournal.com]

There's reinterpretation, and then there's reinterpretation. The movie really only shares general details and plot arc with the poem. That is, the characters' names are in both, and both are about a hero who fights monsters, becomes king, and dies fighting a dragon.

But that is mostly it.

[villeinage.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear how truly bad this was!

I came this close to seeing it last night!

Let me suggest to you No Country for Old Men, a Coen brothers film, which I saw instead.

[aesc.livejournal.com]

Yay Coen brothers!

For the sake of your sanity, I'm very happy you narrowly escaped seeing Beowulf last night :D I went in knowing it was going to be bad, but even then, I had no idea how bad.

[verstehen.livejournal.com]

Wait, even with Gaiman on the payroll, you were expecting something good?

I am now having eerie deja vu of conversations with people who have actually read The Iliad following Troy. Also, hilarious Troy parodies involving HECTOR SMASH!

But, hey, at least this version didn't have Antonio Banderas in it.

[aesc.livejournal.com]

From what I understand, this was Gaiman's brainchild, which is profoundly depressing. And I wasn't hoping for "good," I was hoping for "less awful than Christopher Lambert and fucking trolls."

The sad thing is, this was worse. Even though my opinion of the movie went downhill every time I heard something new about it, I wasn't quite expecting this level of terrible.

[ainsley.livejournal.com]

So I should save my money and just curl up with a glass of mead and the Heaney translation? (is there a better translation, in your view?)

[aesc.livejournal.com]

The Roy Liuzza translation is okay, and more accurate, but I think Heaney's is on the whole more readable. And I do like the Heaney translation as something to read, and would actually probably have my med. lit. students read it, though as to accuracy... no :)

[celtic-tigress.livejournal.com]

I feel your pain, intimately. I too went to see this monstrosity last night, and I think I may be horribly scarred. I had to watch Beowulf and Grendel earlier this semester for my Medieval Literature class (and that horrifying class is another story altogether, but the fact that we watched that movie should give you an idea), and this CGI catastrophe trumps that and more.

I found myself laughing at the horror, like you said, so as not to crawl out of theater in shame for paying actual money for the privilege of witnessing that. The symbolism and its blatant offensiveness were what really took the cake for me. As well as the totally unrepentant sexual innuendos. My favorite was the drinking chant: "We found a dozen virgins,/ Fresians, Danes and Franks,/ We took them for some swiving,/ but all we got were wanks!" I burst out laughing at that, but absolutely no one else in the theater got it, so, kind of embarrassing. :\

Also, was it just me, or was the dragon/Beowulf's son's heart really disproportionately small for the size of the beast?

[aesc.livejournal.com]

Who is this instructor that had you watch Beowulf and Grendel???? *smackdown*

was the dragon/Beowulf's son's heart really disproportionately small for the size of the beast?

I think maybe it was supposed to be a human-sized heart? Because the dragon isn't really a dragon so much as it is a guy who can turn into one????

*has no idea*

[foxxcub.livejournal.com]

Well, suck. And here I was hoping to go for the CGI and say fuck all to the "adaptation". :P

[aesc.livejournal.com]

I think the CGI is probably a matter of taste? I don't particularly care for it... It's too much like watching someone else play a video game :D That, and while there were moments when I was like "Hey, that almost looks real," there were times when all of a sudden it was painfully obvious I was watching something computer generated. E.g., the horses aren't well done? So it was like watching people riding life-sized, really badly articulated stuffed animals.

[kimberweeme.livejournal.com]

So I've been seeing this preview for months and months, it seems, and every single time I've said to myself, "Self, if you see that movie you may go insane from the atrocity of it." Even though I've only read Beowulf twice, I remember enough of the plot and the cultural aspects to know this movie version looked way off base. (I have a degree English Lit, but didn't take many classes that covered this period in literary history.)

Now, having read your review, I can state of a certainty that I will stay far, far away.

Just think happy, snuggly thoughts and try to rid your mind of the horror.

[aesc.livejournal.com]

Last night I kept having these moments of cognitive dissonance, in which my brain could not believe that the Beowulf I've read and loved for years and the Beowulf I saw last night could exist in the same reality.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_elvie/]

I've been hearing such terrible things about this - and on paper, it had looked so good :(
I think I'll skip it until the DVD comes out and I can kinda MST3K it.

[aesc.livejournal.com]

If you do watch the DVD, make absolutely sure you have people with to MST along with you, and also, make sure you have alcohol.

[wojelah.livejournal.com]

*reads your review*
*thinks over last night*

Yes, I believe you covered that well. AUGH.

[aesc.livejournal.com]

Oh, you saw it! *pets* I'm soooo sorry.

Beowulf

[slashpuppy.livejournal.com]

I've gotta ask, you mention 'all fellow specialists' and I find I am dying to know what you (and by extension they) do?

As for 'Beowulf', it was kinda sucky wasn't it? I had to admit it lost any emotional impact on me when they did the 'Beowulf strips off' bit and then proceeded to strategically place 'stuff' in front of him so there was no full frontal (even if it was cartoon) nudity. I just kept flashing back to the similar scene in the Austin Powers movie and it made me giggle.

:-)

Re: Beowulf

[aesc.livejournal.com]

I just kept flashing back to the similar scene in the Austin Powers movie and it made me giggle.

I was hoping for a sausage :D

what you (and by extension they) do?

What do I do? It's kind of one of those questions where I know the answer until someone asks me :D

I'm a medievalist, and my area of concentration is Old English literature, so the language as it was written from around 600-1066 (with bleedover into the late twelfth century), with related interests in Latin. (If you want to do anything medieval, even just concentrating on a vernacular like Old English, Middle High German, Old French &c., you have to be fairly conversant with Latin stuff.) People sharing my particular brand of madness spend a lot of time translating (like Beowulf (http://www8.georgetown.edu/departments/medieval/labyrinth/library/oe/texts/a4.1.html), for instance), working with manuscripts, and trying to find out more about the literary traditions of the period, the various relationships different texts have to each other, how ideas were transmitted, that sort of thing.

When it comes to medieval movies, mostly we bitch and complain about how awful they are :D

What you do

[slashpuppy.livejournal.com]

Whoa, I can see why movies like Beowulf frustrate you! Where all do you guys work? I'm guessing at a university or museum? As an aside, I can remember being quite upset by the Mel Gibson movie Braveheart. What a butchery of Scottish/English history.

Mind you, I work in IT and *every single damn film with computers* is a travesty!My friends and I are to 'Independence Day' what you and yours are to 'Beowulf'! :-)

Re: What you do

[aesc.livejournal.com]

Mostly those of us who stay in the profession are affiliated with universities, but some people also work in museums, archives, and libraries (it really depends what you're interested in doing). And I have a friend who, years and years after Braveheart, cannot talk rationally or calmly about it at all :D

Mind you, I work in IT and *every single damn film with computers* is a travesty!

Ow! I think that's even worse, because there are SO MANY MORE Independence Day-type films :D A medieval movie comes out every couple of years or so, but at least not several times every summer!

[the-reverand.livejournal.com]

Haven't seen the movie but I hear it's supposed to be funny (http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071114/REVIEWS/71115001/1023).

The cg looks iffy but I'll probably see it for Gaiman.

[aesc.livejournal.com]

Eh, it's very dumb humor! Admittedly, I can't divorce myself enough from the poem to be anything even approaching objective, but cracks like "You don't hear Grendel coming"/"Well, you'll hear me" are kind of, um, sophomoric?

Which, really, I'd expect a lot better from Gaiman than that.

[ci5rod.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. It sounds every bit as bad as I assumed it would be from the trailers. Well, I suppose even Gaiman had to do something that would unremittingly stink eventually.

[aesc.livejournal.com]

True, true... but why did it have to be this???? *cries*